Journal Entry for 23 July 2014

I really do not know what to write today. I am definitely experiencing a state of apathy, which is stemming from an experiences earlier today, but affecting my writing also. Experiences run in cycles it seems. Until they're broken, a cycle will continue. What breaks a cycle though? Is it force? Can force alone break a cycle? What is the force that could perform such a task? I doubt force is the answer. Rather learning, for learning and the acquiring of understandings is powerful. There comes the question then, "What is power?" I suppose. It is my understanding that force is asserted while power just is. Back to that cycle though. I've read that a person will experience a lesson in life in one form or another until they learn the lesson. I apply this to my life regularly. Especially when I'm experiencing something that I do not want to experience ever again. So I ask myself, what am I experiencing, how did I come here, and what needs to change? The change is always within ourselves or the way we do things. One cannot change another person, though one can inflict a stimulus which may be what it takes for another person to choose to change, however, the change is still made on the part of the person themselves. So I ask myself within that context, what do I need to change within myself to overcome the situation or save myself from reliving it over and over. How should i respond to the situation? These are all questions that I am asking myself at this moment and I am not sure how to answer them. It can be difficult to see clearly through the filter of melancholy to make a wise decision. This too shall pass.

Journal Entry for 21 July 2014

Today I took a trip into the outskirts of town and visited the Lowes store. I had the idea to look at panel board or ply-wood to make a sign for Free Dream Interpretation, when I and the group go to the downtown square area and interpret dreams. I never found a board for the price that I wanted to pay. I was hoping to find a decent piece of ply-wood for about $10 but I wasn't sure what I'd find since I haven't been to Lowes in some time. It's possible that I over looked the ply-wood I was looking for, but all I did see was some priced remarkably higher in price. I did pick up an 8 foot rough cut board of cedar that I had them cut for me a few times. I should have enough to make 3 fold-up meditation benches. I had thought about selling these for a profit, but we will see how I feel once they are complete. I initially set off to find something productive that would bring me out of a melancholy.

Before making it home, the family and I followed some signs for a Hippie Hollow Boutique, which turns out to only be open on Saturdays. The road led me back around and we ended up near the Humane Society where we stopped in and played with a bunch of kittens for about an hour. They had so many kittens that they were having an adoption sale. I was so tempted to get the crazy cat man starter kit. There were at least a dozen that I wanted to adopt, both young and old. I managed to maintain some great impulse control however and walk away empty handed. Someone would adopt some kittens I am certain, I just better go home and take care of my old fur ball.

Arriving home I settled down to begin hashing out the story line for some fiction when I got side tracked with some of the more technical aspects of formatting the MS Word document to meet eBook criteria. For now I am deciding to hold off on understanding the technicalities and just write my story. I will check with a friend who understands it better and then maybe I can receive some clarity on how this formatting system works.

Writing - Journal Entry for 20 July 2014

So the time for the summer class cram is coming to an end. I'm hoping to find time, make time, manifest time, magically zap time into existence, to finally start writing some novellas again. A few ideas come to mind, but nothing I feel like elaborating upon here. There are a few ideas however. Still roughing out the details though.

Some of my creativity has returned and I have begun doodling to stimulate it further. I have yet to finish a doodle though. None have turned out the original way I saw them, but this is normal for me when I begin drawing. I draw and then trash it. Draw and then trash it. Good music playing in the background also helps. I love drawing to some music. Sometimes, the genre helps stimulate the creativity. Mood music.

It has been a dry feeling day. A melancholy has overtaken me to be honest. Everything has a strange distance to it. It feels like a day that I'd much rather swing in a hammock and maybe this is why the aforementioned art work was not coming out as well as I'd like and the creativity is a bit stunted. Gonna need to nap this one out and return with a musical and artistic vengeance.

The pen has been found! - Journal Entry for 19 July 2014

Yay! So today the pen was found! For those not following, it is the stylus pen to my wacom tablet. This tablet allows me to draw directly into graphic design programs much like I'd draw on paper. The family left today to do some photography work while I stayed at home and caught up on the old homework. After awhile of being at the desk and staring at a computer of text for far too long, I opened a tab to deviantart.com and began browsing my notifications of new art from artists that I watch. There was some really good stuff to be seen! I clicked someone's link to a Youtube video of them drawing. After a few minutes I'd had it. The search resumed with a vengeance!

I began in the garage thinking that maybe my pen got stuck in a box or somewhere between my books on the bookshelves.I removed the books one by one and found nothing! I continued digging through each and every box that a pen by chance might find it's way into the box. Still, I found nothing. I continued through cabinets and drawers, through room after room.

Finally, I decided to flip a recliner over. I had searched through it a number of times already, but still it felt like the right thing to do. As the recliner flipped, I heard something fall. I quickly looked under to see what had fallen. Lo and behold, the stylus of destiny, the stylus of art yet to come!

As I sat down to draw something out for some relax time, nothing came to me. I stared blankly at my computer and couldn't believe that the inspiration that I'd had the days prior, minus my pen, was gone. Sigh. Such the way it goes sometimes.

The case of the missing pen - Journal Entry for 18 July 2014

I cannot find my stylus for my Wacom Bamboo tablet. It's driving me bonkers. In an attempt to clean up my desk area, it's been misplaced. I've been searching for weeks. I've gone from room to room checking all around the area where the tablet was stored, but there is no pen. I've checked in the places I thought a pen looking stick might be placed if found. Still there is no pen. I've dug, searched, and rummaged all the places it might not be. Yet, there is no pen. My garage looks more chaotic every day that I go digging through it. I keep hoping that at least I will find the spare that I had misplaced some time back I dig through plastic bags and old laptop bags. I have torn open boxes that I've thrown stuff in, only to leave the stuff on the garage floor. The end result does not appear orderly, however there is no pen.Where is it?! How could it stay lost for such a long time? I have even thought about buying an upgrade to the tablet just so I could get back to creating art again. This is frustrating. Not quite as frustrating as trying to find something I'm so interested in that I can motivate myself to perform all of the research questionnaires, but still, frustrating.

Those research questionnaires are another thing. I had thought surely there is something I am passionate enough about that doing this will be a piece of cake. Right? Wrong. That blew my mind. Whew! There it is, glad I got that off of my chest. I was certain that I was so passionate about dreams that I could answer each one of those questions, cutting through that word document like a hot knife through butter, but alas, I met resistance with each question I came to. This is not my desire. Though I have taken from these assignments, methods to broaden and narrow out a questioning and research method, I have also persuaded myself to shy away further from any career which may ask me to perform such a gauntlet. What am I saying? I don't know the future, I might come around...maybe. We'll see.

A Movie Break - Journal Entry for 17 July 2014

Today, upon waking I wrote down my dream and then began doing college work. Homework turned into cleaning my bedroom, which turned into cooking lunch, which then turned into spiritual disciplines, and so on. I came to a point where I needed a break. I asked my wife what movies are playing. She rallied off a list of some at one location that is nicely cheaper to attend, but they had nothing of interest. I can be difficult to please with multimedia (movies, television shows, magazines. too many are filled with drama that if I wanted to witness I would just pay attention to my surroundings as I walk down a sidewalk, and that's free of charge). She listed the movies playing at another location, one stood out and she agreed that it sounded neat. Edge of Tomorrow... I've seen the trailer and had the soundtrack stuck in my head in the past. This all sounded nice, but mostly I was craving a break from the book work with an addition of soda and buttered popcorn.

We enjoyed the action packed sci-fi movie with it's moments of humor. A number of things stood out to me beyond the scope of the movie however, and though I wish I could elaborate more clearly on these for the audience, I'm afraid I shouldn't yet as I am still digesting the thoughts myself. It was a great choice for a break away movie. I came home and sat recalling my favorite parts until I was ready to continue with my obligations of college work and such. Now I must finish some disciplines.

Teaching and a Dream - Journal Entry for 16 July 2014

At the School of Metaphysics, there comes a time when a student is given the opportunity to teach what they have learned. Recently, I was given the opportunity. In the past I had looked forward to teaching, though I came to a point where I realized I wanted to teach for the wrong reasons. I felt it was something that would give me a common quality to relate to others in the school. After breaking through this egoic situation, I carried on content with my gaining of understandings and experiences. Then I was asked to meet with the director before a class I was going to audit. I had a feeling what the meeting was about but awaited the confirmation. I sat down with the director as he popped the offer to teach. I stared on and smiled as he finished his statements. My thoughts had been confirmed, but now I wasn't entirely sure that it was what I wanted. I had understood that wisdom can be acquired by passing on my understandings. I had heard the the one who teachers, learns. I had learned that one receives when they give. I knew that teaching what I had learned and no longer simply believed, but knew, would be beneficial for others who were also wanting to learn more about themselves and grow. I just didn't know if I wanted the commitment. I said I desired a night to meditate on it, which I was given. That night I had a dream, a dream that even to me did not make much sense in terms of my waking experiences. However, I interpreted it with the help of a more experienced dream interpreter.

I had tried to do what is called Dream Incubation. The idea is that one free writes, or Conscious Journaling by the name those in my school call it, on the subject one seeks guidance or an answer on. The idea is to prepare the intention that you desire a dream which comes from the subconscious level of mind when the conscious level is unable to make a decision. I hope I haven't lost anyone on this yet. So this is what I did and then I dreamed.

The dream goes as follows: I am in a building where circus shows and plays are performed and I am speaking with a woman who is the owner of the building. I then stand in the middle of a group of mixed military individuals and I too am wearing my old military uniform. A young woman named Natasha I recall, was stating her concern about a playground to which the military group stated it was not their jurisdiction. I looked to the side and I saw an African-American boy dancing and spinning on his head.

The interpretation goes as follows: I am in a place where my imagination and talents can be expressed. I have a disciplined expression. The girls name in numerology adds up to a 10 which is a powerful beginning number. The boy represents a different way of thinking that I am finding harmony with.

After these were pointed out I saw how they fit into place in the dream and this is a good dream on any night, but I wasn't really clear if it clarified any anxiety about teaching. I agreed still because I perceived that these were lessons I could teach quite beneficially. Still I continued to incubate the dream. Last night the dream showed the experiences of my waking state but ended with a particularly great set of symbols.

My dream ended as follows: I am holding a large jar of dehydrated fruit, and groups of people are coming to me with their jars which are empty and presenting them to me. I begin pouring my jar into theirs one at a time, filling each one up. I keep looking at my jar expecting it to be running out but it stays full and I fill many many jars until I wake up.

This dream was easy to interpret for me. Very easy. Food represents knowledge and the quality of the food often tells the dreamer the quality of knowledge. Fruit is a healthy food, and it was dehydrated which makes it last longer. This is long lasting knowledge in my jar. People come to me with their jars empty, and I pour my knowledge into their jars filling them up, but I never lose any knowledge or lack. I can view these people as aspects of myself further receiving knowledge, or just simply that it answered my question.

Now I'm craving some dehydrated fruit or trail mix. Yum!